wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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