I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
