Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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