The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
