I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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