found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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