Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
