Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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