great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
