What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
