I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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