I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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