Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
