There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Found your dick twin last night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
