got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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