what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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