I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
