I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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