do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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