I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
