The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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