my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
