I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
