ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
