Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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