My liver just broke up with me...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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