Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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