I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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