I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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