Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
