i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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