the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I love you. Go after that dick
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
