my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
