Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Soap is not a condiment
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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