He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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