he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
