plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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