I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
where are you?
Hypothermia
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize