No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well I just put wine in my tea
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
