I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
