Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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