I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
