she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
