it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
