U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
