My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
