and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
