4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
