i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize