Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
