why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
two words...techno handjob
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
