I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
