I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
