Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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