you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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