My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize