Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
