Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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