I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
